im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
