Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
