when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
