Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
