Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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