If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
