I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
