margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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