She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
