bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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