i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
They took my balls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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