Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize