I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
