My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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