Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Randomize
