you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
