a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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