i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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