im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
