No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
