Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
