I'm gonna have a badass scar
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
