I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
