At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
