Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
