I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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