Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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