I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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