Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
