I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
