Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
