There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
