Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
