if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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