I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
