Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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