dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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