I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
did i walk over a car last night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
