When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
