I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
