There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
