Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
