Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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