I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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