He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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