Too much gin, very little bucket
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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