If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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