You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
