no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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