you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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