she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
