I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
