You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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