I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
