How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
