So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
