so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
