'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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