Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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