i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
where are my eyebrows?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize