Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
