Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
